debsiobhan

09:06 pm: Good Things

Sitting at the pub on the rooftop deck on a warm spring afternoon.  Bestest Babe, couple of drinks, couple of noshes, non stop talk.

Tags: me

07:18 pm: Balance
Much better today.  Thanks for all the kind words, but you all really shouldn't take me so seriously when I get like that.  Truth is I'm true to my zodiac sign - a Libra.  The scales always looking for balance but sometimes totally off balance.  I tip but I even up pretty quickly.  The trick is to stay away from open windows and sharp objects when I get that way.  

But today I got my windshield replaced, had a nice talk with a friend, got my program running (including fixing the bug that exists in the production version), got some other work done and got a report to run that wouldn't run for anyone else (awww it likes me).  Now I really need to turn off this beasty and move into the office and clean my damn desk.  

Well, maybe after trombone practice.  He prefers an audience.

Tags: life, me

05:48 pm: Keep passing open windows.
Things that should have happened didn't.  Things that were supposed to be good weren't.  Countermeasures failed desperately.  My already fragile outlook on everything is pretty trashed.  I'm glad this day is almost over and I'll be very happy to be back at work tomorrow. 

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10:20 am: What is iTunes trying to tell me?

My iTunes shuffle keeps playing John Waites Missing You. 

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07:23 pm: Things you think that you just can't speak of.
 Upon watching my son licking the stick from a fudgecicle with exceptional gusto all I could think was - someday you're going to make some woman very happy.  I have got to get my mind out of the gutter.

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04:48 pm: 11
I  need to find the setting between spinning out of control and inertia.

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04:58 pm: Taking the Short View

Today during my morning walk I had my hat low over my eyes. I could see about 8 feet in front of me, no more. I could still hear what was going on and I could see if I looked up or to the side. I don't usually walk that way but today it was comfortable.

Of course when I realized what I was doing, I started thinking about it. It occurs to me that perhaps there's too much going on right now. Maybe I need to reel it all in and take the short view for a while. Do the one day at a time thing for now. So that's what I'm gonna do at least until I can get my feet under me again.

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The little hound is progressing. This morning he actually ate some of the dogfood in his bowl then this afternoon he finally dumped. He's still pretty feeble, but it's progress and I don't expect that he'll ever be totally spry again.

Tags: life, me

03:15 pm: Travel Planning
By virtue of the accident of the timing of my birth and the Monday Holiday Bill I get a lovely 3 day weekend on or around my birthday. I am rather fond of using the weekend to take a little trip for me. Last year I visited my wonderful sister and the lovely LA . Other trips have been both small (Kingdom Crusades) and large (London to visit Best Babe).

So just a couple weeks out it occurs to me I should think about what I'd like to do this year. So my sparse but reliable readers any suggestions?

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02:02 pm: Unwanted Attention
I guess I've lost enough weight now for people to notice.  I've had 5 people make comments to me today.  I suppose I should be happy about it but I hate it.   -- Dear everyone.  Yes I have lost some weight.  Thank you for noticing.  Now leave me alone.  I don't want to talk about it. 

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02:09 pm: Just Waiting
    "I hope you'll hear what I'm about to tell you.  I hope you'll hear it
all the way down to your toes.  When you're waiting, you're not doing
nothing. You're doing the most important something there is.  You're
allowing your soul to grow up.  If you can't be still and wait, you can't
become what God created you to be."

         "When the Heart Waits" by Sue Monk Kidd

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01:06 pm: Sometimes
Sometimes when I keep something to myself it tears me up.  Eventually it becomes easier to tell no matter how much more damage potential there is in telling.  Sometimes when I say these things in a post or email I get exactly the response I expect.  Sometimes I get responses that suprise me.  Sometimes I get crickets.

I sent an email yesterday and expected a response but had no idea what kind of response to expect.  What I've gotten thus far is nothing but silence.  That makes me sad but in some ways the telling was enough.  

The summer was all over the map in so many ways.  The fall is all about closure and moving through the inevitable end of what is and onto what will be.  I have  no idea if I'm ready for the changes but that's moot at this point.  Change will come and I've just got to ride through it the best I can.   I think it's time for me to stop worrying about the door that's closing and start rattling some knobs to find the next one to open.

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08:32 am: And the Winner is ...
 Dear lord my lower back hurts today, and one shoulder.  I think I'll survive.

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09:34 pm: OMG
I had my first belly dancing class tonight.  I can't wait to see what hurts tomorrow.  Dear lord that was a workout.  I have to say I am not the most graceful lady  there nor am I the least.  Mostly the teacher had to keep reminding me to keep my arms up above my waist.  Otherwise I think I did pretty well for a first try.  I think though that I may need to shift my weight lifting day so I don't have that in the morning and this in the evening.  I guess I'll decide on that based on how I feel tomorrow.

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02:32 pm: Heroic
It got a little quiet here today so I'm indulging in a little pondering.

I've been spending my evenings after the chores and walking trying to catch up on the show Heros.  I'm enjoying the heck out of it and I'm a mildly peeved that I didn't watch it last season.  Thank goodness for box sets.  I really like the show's premise.  Better yet I like the way the characters are dealing with and adapting to their powers.  They're all fascinating but I'm drawn to the ones who see the heroic nature of their powers.  The characters who see the chance to step up and make a difference.

I like a good heroic character.  They don't have to be particularly powerful or strong.  The most compelling hero is the average guy or gal who does what they thought they had to in an awful situation even though it put them at some risk.  Certainly police, fire and rescue should get props for what they do but they picked that profession for their own reasons.  In many ways I'm more impressed by the average joe who just has to do the right thing.  Especially the ones who after the fact are suprised by the hype.  To me they are the people of character.

I'd like to be that way too.  I've never really been put to the test and maybe I never will be.  I hope, though, that faced with a difficult situation I'd do whatever I needed to do just because it was the right thing to do.

Tags: me

09:03 pm: I'm thankful
I'm am eternally thankful for friends who like me even when I'm goofy, crazy, drunk or losing it (or all of the above).  It is eminently comforting to have friends who get me.   

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07:48 pm: Plusses and Minuses
I was playing with a BMI calculator yesterday.  It appears I need to lose another 60 pounds for my BMI to move from obese to mearly overweight.  That's disheartening.  On the other hand, I discovered the randomly selected goal weight I set for myself is actually just inside the normal range.  There you have it, apparently I long to be normal.

On the plus side, however, last time I bought jeans I bought 2 pair.  I wore one but by the time they hit the laundry they were loose enough that I never wore the other pair thinking I'd exchange them.  So on Friday I took those back and got the next smaller size.  I figured they probably wouldn't fit now, but would soon enough.  Happily I was wrong.  They fit now.  Now if they were real sizes instead of stupid crazy made up sizes I'd be even happier.   So while I know I've gone down 4 pairs of jeans - I have no idea what size I actually wear.

Also in the plus column is the fact that despite a week of enforced sloth, I did not gain any weight.  I didn't lose any but I didn't go up so I'm ok with that.  Now I just need to do some kick ass exercising this week and get back in the happy downward direction.

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07:48 am: Breaking

I've been playing look on the bright side as hard as I can all this week.  What I've gotten for my troubles is a tension pull in my back that is causing nearly more pain than I can take.   Hopefully when I go to the doctor today he can offer something more than the handfuls of advil that aren't touching it at all.

I feel like I'm breaking and I'm not sure what I can do to stop it.

Tags: me

08:02 pm: I wish...
I wish I were as bold as I am in my dreams.  I wish that my few moments of utter fearlessness weren't immediately followed by panic and doubt.

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07:58 pm: Suffering Bastards
Wicked tasty little drink the Suffering Bastard.  They go down so smooth and then when you stand up you wonder if you should have stopped at one.

I had a most delightful dinner with the Best Babe.  Dishing on all the hot topics.  I think we gave the piano player the most amusing evening he's ever had.  

Now I'm happily toasty.   Thankfully I've never been much for drunk dialing (I'm too phone phobic for that) but I am fighting a terrible urge to drunk email. 

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10:59 am: Happy Place

We used to call one of my former co-workers cubes "the happy place".  People teased him about it but he called it that with total conviction.  Knowing what I know now about his home life, it probably was his happy place.

Last weekend several of the discussions with the sisters (all in fun) dissolved into la-la-la's and "bunnies hopping through the forest" - aka going to our happy place.  I got to thinking about my happy place (don't judge me - it really is that boring here).  When you do hypnosis they always want you to think of the place you are most relaxed - they always suggest a tropical beach.  I realized my happy place isn't a tropical beach at all.  While I love a good tropical beach daydream, that just doesn't seem to be where I go for peace.  

I know my happy place because I've been there a long time ago.  There was a park across the street from my house growing up.  I spent many fine hours traipsing through the woods and drainage paths.  The spring I was twelve I found my favorite spot.  My happy place is a boulder.  It's about the size of a car, at least a mid-size american made.  It's engulfed by trees and shrubs.  It doesn't look like there's a way in from the outside.  You don't see it unless someone shows you.   Even when you find it  you have to shimmy through the underbrush and pull yourself up.  The rock is ancient, grey and suprisingly smooth.  The vegetation seems like green walls.  You can hear what's outside but they can't see in.  Above, the sky is crystal blue and endless.  I spent hours on that rock talking with a boy from a couple streets over.  All perfectly innocent and all perfectly magical.  Which is probably why it's my happy place.

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